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Grammar and syntax
Grammar and syntax

Telegraph

time3 days ago

  • General
  • Telegraph

Grammar and syntax

Tenses Whenever we are reporting something that has already happened we use the past tense. This includes official reports, surveys and studies. 'The report said that if nothing was done, things would get worse'. Not 'The report said that if nothing is done, things will get worse'. Similarly, in reported speech we should use 'had' instead of 'has' and so: He said: 'Nothing has been done.' Becomes: He said that nothing had been done If the report is published today (the same day as the published story) we should say 'the report says that if nothing is done, things will get worse' etc. Switching tenses in a story is confusing and sloppy. Please note that we use 'he/she said' in News but 'he/she says' in Features. Moods Contrary to popular belief, the subjunctive has not died completely. The mood is typically used with verbs of volition and command 'he ordered that he be brought in' and 'she wishes she were at home' and with conditional clauses 'He agreed provided he be not quoted'. Usages like 'I order that he come' are perhaps a little rarefied for modern times: use this mood only when it seems natural. Note that the imperfect of the subjunctive 'were' is 'was', so you would write 'she wished she was at home'. May and might May is the present and future tense: might is the imperfect, perfect and pluperfect, so use in reported speech. I may go: he said he might go. 'He may have been on the plane that crashed' means he could be missing: 'He might have been on the plane that crashed' means that chance intervened and he wasn't. Dangling modifiers This is a grammatical error where a word or phrase fails to connect to the subject it is meant to be describing. This standfirst is a classic example: 'After defeating Venus Williams in straight sets, Joanne Smith asks who is Cori 'Coco' Gauff, and what can we expect from Wimbledon's wunderkind?'. It suggested the writer Joanne Smith should have given up journalism and pursued a career as a tennis pro. Instead, we should have written something like: 'After 15-year-old Cori 'Coco' Gauff defeated Venus Williams in straight sets, Joanne Smith reveals all about the tennis wunderkind and what we can expect from her at Wimbledon' Commas Commas impede the flow of a sentence, but omitting them may change its meaning. Omitting the commas in 'The minister's wife Mary was there' suggests polygamy. If he has only one wife, make it 'The minister's wife, Mary, was there.' Commas are needed before 'and', 'but' and 'for' in compound sentences, unless the clauses they precede are very short (John was hungry, but his hostess insisted on reading a book before cooking lunch. He ate but his wife fasted). Commas are used between pairs or series of adjectives, but should be dropped if the words cannot properly be joined by 'and' (A cold, grey dawn greeted the awakening old prisoner). Prepositions Prepositions should be avoided if they are pointless. Meet with is perhaps the most egregious example, but there is also sell off, tie up, free up, fence off, close down, fuse together, infringe upon, duck down, send off (a letter), rifle through, sell off, shut up (a building) and so on ad nauseam. Always ask whether your preposition is really necessary. 'Up until' is an abomination, as are 'outside of' and 'inside of'. Prepositions at the end of sentences are inelegant and should be avoided. Do not, though, avoid them at the cost of sounding ridiculous: remember Churchill's dictum about 'this is the sort of English up with which I will not put'. Hyphens and Dashes Hyphens are frequently misused. A rough and ready test is to speak the words. Where hyphens are used there is a quickening of pace. As an example: 'He was a member of the middle class', but 'He belongs to a middle-class club.' Do not use a hyphen after adverbs ending in -ly (newly married couple), and note that adverbs and verbs used after nouns remain separate (a well-oiled machine, but the machine was well oiled). Note that a person earns £57,000 a year and so has a £57,000-a-year job. Latin terms are not hyphenated and so we have in vitro fertilisation, post mortem examination. Hyphens can be useful to avoid confusion or unwanted hilarity. Use 'small-business men' to make it clear that they are not diminutive traders. Dangling hyphens should be avoided (his two- and four- year-old children). Rewrite the copy: (his children, two and four). Dashes should not be used as routine replacements for commas, but they are useful to indicate the written equivalent of a change of tone in speech (The attack was unexpected – it came at noon instead of dawn – and the enemy outnumbered them). And we always do en dashes (–). Never em dashes (—) or hyphens (-). Dashes also help to avoid confusion by enclosing a series of words punctuated by commas. 'Reporters face many problems – censorship, the pressure of time, shortage of space – when they work overseas.' None We treat the word 'none' as singular (because it is short for 'not one'), even though it is usually followed by a plural noun. So we would write 'None of the men was willing to testify in court', not 'None of the men were willing to testify in court'. That and which Make special note of the importance of the word 'that', which the tabloids have all but removed from the English language in its role as a conjunction, as in: 'He claimed the prize but he claimed that he was the winner.' This applies to all those words like 'propose', 'recommend', 'suggest' etc. Taking the 'that' out makes the reader stumble over the sense. It is not needed after the verb 'said' (She said she was tired) Use which in clauses that add incidental, but not essential information. Note the difference between 'the dog that I saw was black' and 'the dog, which I saw, was black'. The first refers specifically to a dog that I saw - distinct from a dog anyone else saw - being black. The second emphasises the fact that I saw a dog. Adjectives Other than the purely and basically descriptive have little place in news stories, and little more (other than occasionally for comic or ironic effect) in feature writing. Highly adjectival writing is a mainstay of tabloid journalism. Quotes and Attribution Use double quotes except in headlines, captions or crossheads. Quotes within quotes are single; quotes within quotes within quotes are double. Punctuation goes inside the quotation mark only if it is part of the quote: He said: 'It's over.' Capital Letters Use capitals sparingly. Lower case is preferred unless a term is a proper noun or uniquely identifiable. The Queen, the Church of England, the Army (as a UK-specific institution) At second mention, use upper case for royalty and ex-royalty (e.g. 'the Prince', 'the Duchess'). Generic institutions or roles take lower case: a queen, a church, a police force Cap office holders at first mention (e.g. 'The Archbishop of York'), then lower case ('the archbishop'). Use caps for geographic regions when used as proper names ('the North'), lower case for directions ('he moved north'). Cap 'Eastern Europe' (political); lower case 'east London' (geographical) Abbreviations Avoid unexplained abbreviations unless they are universally recognised: BBC, UN, Nato, EU – no need to spell out On first use, explain less familiar abbreviations: The Office for National Statistics (ONS). However, if the abbreviation is never used again there is no need to use it in the first place Gender, Titles and Inclusive Language Gender is a grammatical classification; sex is biology. 'Gender identity' is a concept of how people present themselves. What pronouns we use for transgender people is an incredibly sensitive area and merits consideration on a case-by-case basis. We must avoid giving an assumed pronoun to people who have not legally changed gender and the reporter may need to clarify this issue. If someone has legally changed gender, then we should do them the courtesy of saying Ms or Mr. Use 'they' as a singular pronoun only when someone has asked to be referred to that way or when gender is unknown and unimportant: Each student should bring their own laptop Use the term transgender not transsexual and do not use trans as a noun.

I Was Everyone's Unpaid 'Therapist Friend.' Until I Learned This Hard Truth About Friendship.
I Was Everyone's Unpaid 'Therapist Friend.' Until I Learned This Hard Truth About Friendship.

Yahoo

time3 days ago

  • General
  • Yahoo

I Was Everyone's Unpaid 'Therapist Friend.' Until I Learned This Hard Truth About Friendship.

I don't remember a time when my mum didn't confide in me. I was her emotional support system, her confidant, her closest friend. She was a single parent and I became her sounding board. She shared her problems, fears and daily struggles — not the watered-down version most kids get, but the whole, raw, unfiltered story. As I grew older, I slowly became aware that this wasn't how most mother-daughter relationships worked. But for us, it was just normal. 'Thank you for listening to me rabbit on,' she'd say, perched on my bed, tucking me in. 'You're so grown up for your age.' And I was. Had to be, really. When you're someone's entire world, you learn quickly how to soak up their distress like a sponge. Without either of us realizing it, I absorbed a particular understanding of love. To me, caring for someone meant being the calm in their chaos, their safe harbor. Being needed felt like being valued. But that understanding of what it meant to love someone became the blueprint I carried into subsequent relationships. When Love Meant Being Someone's Lifeline Fast forward to my very early 20s. Somehow, I'd become the group therapist. Not officially, obviously. There was no vote where everyone decided I'd be the one fielding crisis calls at midnight. It just happened the way these things do when you've spent your childhood believing your worth depends on how well you can fix everyone else's mess. 'Many 'designated therapists' were once the emotionally attuned child in a chaotic, unpredictable or emotionally stifled home,' explains Elizabeth Bodett Dresser, licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) and founder of Still Oak Counseling. 'Maybe their parents didn't know how to regulate their own emotions, so the child took on the job of smoothing things over — being the peacemaker, the listener, the fixer.' That perpetual caretaking? It becomes what Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy calls a 'manager' part. A protector who discovered how to read the room, anticipate needs and keep everyone stable. As Dresser puts it, 'These parts are often fueled by a belief that your worth comes from what you do for others, not simply who you are.' Building on this foundation, Audrey Schoen, licensed marriage and family therapist, explains that some people learn early on that 'their survival was tied to their ability to solve problems and keep the peace.' We became hypervigilant to everyone's moods because our family's stability depended on it, pushing our own needs aside. 'This doesn't just turn off when they become adults,' Schoen said. 'It becomes their default mode in all relationships.' The signs were everywhere. I knew intimate details about everyone's disasters. Their family drama, relationship trainwrecks, career meltdowns and everything in between. I knew their deepest fears and insecurities and could see a spiral coming a mile away. But ask any of them what was happening in my life? Blank stares. It wasn't malicious. They cared in their own way. But when you're the 'strong and capable' one, people forget you might be hurting, too. They'd throw out the occasional 'How are you?' Then, their eyes would glaze over, waiting for their turn to unload. The Warning Signs I Ignored The exhaustion crept up slowly. Three years of being everyone's unpaid therapist will do that. I'd spend hours crafting the perfect response to someone's emergency text, researching resources and offering solutions, only to have them ignore my advice completely and recreate the same chaos the following week. Canceling my own plans to be there during their worst moments became routine, but when it came to their fun social events, I wasn't even on their radar. I was worn out. I felt like I only mattered when things were falling apart. And I'm not the only one who's felt this way. This pattern is something Samantha Potthoff, marriage and family therapist and co-founder of Therapy Collective of California, regularly sees in people who have become the psychological anchor for everyone around them. 'Many of these people come to therapy not because they're struggling with one particular issue but because they feel emotionally worn out and unseen,' Potthoff said. And there's usually a belief lurking underneath: 'If I stop showing up for everyone, I'll lose my worth or the relationship itself.' According to Potthoff, there are unmistakable signs indicating when supportive behavior has crossed into unhealthy territory: you feel guilty or anxious whenever you try to say no, people expect you to be available but never offer the same in return and your issues go unnoticed while everyone else's take center stage. 'These aren't just red flags,' she said. 'They're often symptoms of emotional burnout.' Looking back, I kept telling myself that this was just temporary stress and things would balance out eventually. But the universe had other plans. When Everything Fell Apart Everything came to a head during one particularly stressful weekend. Three friends, three separate crises, all happening at the same inopportune time. Two servings of relationship drama and a business going under. I spent two days ping-ponging between house visits and marathon phone calls, dispensing wisdom and tissues in equal measure. By Sunday night, I was utterly done. Mentally drained, physically exhausted. I'd eaten nothing but junky stress snacks and absorbed enough secondhand trauma to power a helpline. Then my phone buzzed. I retrieved it from the door pocket of my poor old car. Another drama-filled text, but this time from a fourth friend. I stared at that message for a long time. I searched desperately for something helpful to say, but I was coming up blank. I felt like I had nothing to give. So, I did something revolutionary: I turned off my phone. The guilt hit immediately. What if they really needed me? What if something terrible happened? What if they stopped being my friend because I wasn't available? The same fears that had kept me tethered to my mother's inner needs as a child — the terror that boundaries meant abandonment. This guilt, notes Dresser, is textbook for emotional fixers. 'When your nervous system has been wired to prioritize others' needs as a form of connection or survival, setting a boundary can feel like you're being cruel or selfish. But that guilt often isn't a sign you're doing something wrong. It's a sign you're doing something new.' The Truth About One-Sided Friendships Gradually, I began to pull back and create some distance. As I did, the truth became painfully obvious. The care I'd been giving for so long? Not reciprocated. When I stopped being available for every meltdown, they didn't notice I was struggling with my own. When I moved to a new town not long after, those friendships just... faded. No one fought to maintain the connection when I wasn't doing all the emotional heavy lifting. Healthy relationships should feel mutual, as Dresser points out. 'There's room for both people to be messy, vulnerable and human. But when you find yourself only playing the role of the calm, wise advice-giver, especially when you're privately unraveling, it might be a sign the dynamic is out of balance.' Looking back, I can see how these unhealthy patterns had played out in my own life. The warning signs of an unhealthy dynamic had been there all along, but I missed them completely. I felt dread when certain names popped up on my phone because I knew what was coming — another venting marathon where I'd give everything and get nothing back. My own hardships had become invisible, even to me. Conversations left me weary rather than connected. And if I tried to open up? The discussion quietly pivoted back to them. As Schoen puts it, 'When your support becomes an expectation, you've crossed into unhealthy territory.' In toxic dynamics, it becomes an obligation. You feel it in your body as resentment and exhaustion. She adds, 'Another clear sign is when friends start treating your emotional labor like it's owed to them rather than appreciated.' It took time to unlearn these patterns. Time to understand that real friendship requires mutuality, not one person endlessly giving while the other takes. What I didn't realize was how this cycle of behavior had rewired my sense of self-worth. 'This dynamic creates a warped sense of self-worth that sounds like: 'I'm worthy because of what I can offer others' and 'I'm fine, I can take care of myself,'' Schoen said. The helper starts believing their needs matter less than everyone else's, which is a trauma response, not a personality trait. 'When they struggle, they often think there's something wrong with them because they're supposed to be the strong one, able to handle it all,' she continues. 'The mental health impact can be significant. Chronic stress, resentment and a deep sense of loneliness because nobody really knows the real you.' Those habits still surface sometimes. Even now, I catch myself automatically saying, 'I'm fine' when someone asks how I'm doing. Or jump straight into problem-solving mode when a friend shares something. The difference is that I now notice it happening. Learning To Choose Myself Guilt around these personal limits often comes from being praised for this behavior. As Schoen observes, 'They were the 'good kid,' the responsible one, the one everyone could count on. Being a 'good friend' becomes their identity. Setting boundaries feels like betraying the very identity that kept them safe and valued.' Growing up as a confidant gave me empathy beyond my years and showed me how to hold space for pain without immediately trying to fix it. I developed an intuitive understanding of human nature that serves me well. What changed everything was figuring out how to use these skills intentionally, not reflexively. It's a distinction Potthoff highlights, drawing on research that shows how essential this shift really is. 'People who misunderstand empathy as limitless emotional availability, especially those in caregiving roles, are more vulnerable to burnout,' Potthoff said. 'When empathy is not paired with healthy boundaries and assertive communication, the very quality that helps us connect becomes the source of our fatigue.' Those years of carrying everyone else's stresses taught me lessons I wish I'd learned earlier. The breakthrough came when I stopped seeing my limits as selfish and started seeing them as survival. My well-intentioned help was creating dependency instead of independence. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is step back and let someone handle their disaster when you're running on empty. After all, friendship happens between equals, not between a fixer and the broken. 'Setting a healthy boundary means having empathy and compassion for your friend's pain without taking on their problem or becoming responsible for the solution,' Schoen said. 'You can care about someone without carrying their emotional weight.' These days, I still care deeply about the people in my life. I offer guidance and a listening ear when it's needed. However, I do so by choice, not compulsion and work to maintain my own boundaries. And when those old patterns try to resurface (because they do), I'm better equipped to recognize them and make different choices. The most important lesson? 'You are allowed to rest,' Potthoff said. 'You are allowed to have needs. And you are worthy of the same care you so freely offer to others, not because you've earned it, but because you're human.' Refusing to be someone's constant counselor can be the kindest choice. Not because you don't care, but because you respect their ability to grow on their own. And that benefits everyone. Related... I Couldn't Stop Yelling At My Kids. Then I Uncovered Something Surprising From My Childhood That Was Causing It. 7 Warning Signs Your Friendship Isn't Going To Last 7 Signs You're Being A Bad Friend (And How To Be A Better One) Solve the daily Crossword

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